Thoughts on shame

Hello there,

I've been having some thoughts on shame recently and thought I might share them – I’d be interested to hear what you think too.

"Shame is the experience of one's felt sense of self disintegrating in relation to a dysregulating other" (DeYoung 2015).

Shame and chronic shame

A major part of my practice involves shame, particularly shame around sex, longing, desire and sexuality; for both straight and queer people, and its presence as a regulating factor in relational safety.

Chronic shame can occur as a developmental wound, when a person with relational power (such as a parent or friend) fails to provide a sense of belonging and connection; resulting in a deep sense of being unseen, unknown, unlovable by others and unworthy of self-love.

Given the ubiquity of being missed relationally, I believe that shame is a core aspect of nearly every psychotherapy presentation, but is often hidden and easy to miss, as a client’s fragile sense of self will avoid experiencing it at all costs.

Therefore, being alert and attuned to shame requires sensitivity. This can be achieved by psychotherapists who have experienced the pain of chronic shame and put in the relational work to come through it themselves.

Shame is trying to keep us safe from abandonment

The experience of shame, particularly chronic shame for those for whom it has become an entrenched response to a lack of relational safety, takes on the feeling of being deeply unsafe. Ironically, in trying to protect us and keep us safe relationally back-then, it makes us feel so unsafe here-and-now, that we disconnect relationally in order to avoid the feeling of dread that shame evokes in us.

Shame acts as a gatekeeper. In our earlier developmental history, our relationships were not experienced as safe or accepting. There were feelings that were too dangerous for us to experience, aspects of our identities or experience that, if known by others, would result in our rejection, abandonment or death, so in order to keep us relatively relationally safe (in-relation, even if that was with deeply unsafe people), shame came along to suppress 'unwanted' aspects of our self, identity, emotions or experience - hiding them so that we could remain in-relation in an unsafe environment.

This shows up really clearly in a lot of queer people’s experiences around how others’ meet their sexuality, but is also prevalent in straight people – with many heterosexual men and women feeling their sexual selves and identities being excluded or rejected in some way.

Now, as adults, that gatekeeper shame is so used to showing up, it does so at the slightest whiff of trouble - blocking possible contact and making us hide our feelings, identities and experiences.

Shame is a poorly resourced librarian

Shame in its older age also becomes more like a librarian. But this librarian only has one book, titled SHAME. Whenever a person with experience of chronic shame comes across something or someone that it doesn't feel completely confident about, it goes to the reference library and asks the librarian for a reference book to help it make sense of the unknown/unusual/interesting/novel experience, and because shame-as-librarian only has the one book, it gives the same reference book every time - SHAME - sometimes throwing it at the person asking for good measure.

A major part of the work that I carry out with clients, is being safe enough and trustworthy enough, that when a new experience comes along (with me), I can be invited along to the library with them, and we can help update shame-as-librarian's reference list. There's been new research done, peer- and meta- studies conducted to update shame-as-librarian's resources, and expanding the possible things it can offer up to us, so that when we return in future, other options will be available.

By being with a safe, secure and trustworthy adult, who is accepting and validating and supportive of your sexuality and sexual expression, shame can be slowly and gently alleviated – with you better able to live a better, fuller, more contented life.

Have you any thoughts or would like to see me for psychotherapy? Pop across an email and I’ll be pleased to respond.

With warm wishes and big love,

Ben xx